By Kathryn Burnett, MA, LPCA
Relationships are hard, even the healthy ones. Maintaining a healthy relationship requires significant work and energy. When you are pulled in a million different directions by your career, children, finances, and friendships, investing in your spouse or partner can be the last thing on your list of To-Do’s. What do you do when the relationship that once energized you now drains you?
Here are a few helpful strategies I can offer that I hope will benefit you in your relationship and will promote continued connection through the good times and the bad.
Communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Even twenty minutes a day of intentional conversation can increase a couple’s sense of connectedness and intimacy. Everyone wants to be heard and understood, but we must also want to hear and understand our partner. If our goal in communication becomes to hear and understand our partners first, before being heard and understood ourselves, we invite our partners to really open up and be vulnerable with us. This in turn encourages them to listen to our perspective more openly than they may have initially. This is a small change that can have a huge impact on your level of satisfaction in the relationship. Seek to hear and understand them first!
Secondly, make conflict resolution a priority in your relationship. Conflict is inevitable, and while most couples dread fighting, it can actually present an opportunity for deeper levels of intimacy and trust. I have found that when conflicts are resolved well, individuals tend to feel more valued, understood, and connected to their partners.
It can be difficult to do the repair work and resolve the conflict when both parties feel angry and injured. When you are tempted to blame your partner or hold a grudge, I recommend doing a U-turn and looking inwards. Get in the habit of being curious about your feelings. This is the first step in breaking the normal cycle of a fight. Check inside yourself to see what parts are triggered, hurt, or angered. Give yourself some time and space to understand the thoughts and feelings that came up during the fight. Once you feel calm enough, try to communicate those things to your spouse in a non-accusatory way. For example, saying things like “You are lazy and never help” might cause your partner to become defensive or shut down. Instead, try speaking for your feelings by saying, “I feel unappreciated and alone when you don’t help me with the kids.”
Remember that change will take time. Be patient with each other. No one is ever completely blameless in conflicts, so having the courage to admit your faults, even if your partner’s seem bigger, is the best way to disarm your partner and defuse the situation. Once this softening takes place and both individuals are open to hearing, the repair work can be done and reconnection established.
When all else fails, remember you are on the same team, and you love each other.
No comments yet.